So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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