Plan B is the new Plan A
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
