I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
