Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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