I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
