Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
