Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
