Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
