I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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