I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
