I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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