you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
