Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
