Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
