I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.