a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.