Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
