I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
