Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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