You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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