Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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