I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
