i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
