I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
