Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
