I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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