people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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