and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
