he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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