My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize