Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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