the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just pee around me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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