im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
