I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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