The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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