My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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