It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
