I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
