i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
