i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
