He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When did angry sex become our thing?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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