literally had 100 drinks last night.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
