First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
