I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
