FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
