She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
