Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
