she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
He passed out mid-signature
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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