The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
