I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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