I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
