i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
