She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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