Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
