if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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