The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
