Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
