I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
