Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
