first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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