I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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